In May I married my best friend. And now that all the
planning, tension and stress of wedding preparations are over, there is just
one final touch I need to make to my new married life. My last name. I simply do not know what to do about
changing (or not changing) my name. Let me lay before you my messy and
complicated thought process.
I am the oldest of four girls, and there are no brothers
among us to carry on the family name in the traditional manner. In fact, as of
this writing, we only have one male cousin with our last name. I believe that
my name also carries with it a heritage and legacy of my family that I want to
continue. I am proud of my family, proud of what that name means. I am afraid that
in giving up my name, I give up my family and our heritage. It feels as if I am
tossing away their sacrifices, their struggles and their victories that have
inadvertently affected my life. My maiden name has been an integral part of my
identity for over 20 years. Parting from it is not a simple matter.
I also worry about
the social censure both my children and I will experience if we have different
last names. Whispers of “Is she married?” “Is she married to their father?” “Is
she divorced?” and so forth will follow us everywhere. And maybe I should just
be strong and totally disregard the gossip and judgments of others, but I think
a lifetime of that would become exhausting.
(And on a side note, although I haven’t legally changed my
name, I go by my husband’s name at church to avoid much of this. In the LDS
culture, it’s also just the norm. And I don’t fill particularly inclined or
moved to shake up the Mormon social customs over something like this. The
traditional social unit in the Church is the family, which is subsequently
recognized with one surname, at least in the United States. This doesn’t offend
me nor do I personally see intentional and malicious intent to oppress women in
the practice.)
Now here’s the other side. I love my husband tremendously. I
married him in the temple and I am intending to spend all of eternity with him.
While we remain autonomous individuals, my individuality is no longer complete
without incorporating him into my self-image. I believe that both of our
eternal exaltation depends on the other. I cannot make it without him and he
cannot make it without me. I see our marriage as a partnership (and because he
agrees with this view, I married him). We’re going through this very odd
experience we call life together. This makes me want to take his name. I want
us to be unified together. I see us as equals taking on this life together.
Having the same name seems appropriate under this frame.
So what about the happy middle: keeping my name and taking his? Well in principle that
is my favorite option, but aesthetically, it’s atrocious. That would make my
name this long: 1234567 – 1234567. That is a death sentence for legal matters,
like signing papers to purchase a home (or really a mortgage). And then I have
to ask, is that simply petty? Should I just get over it and live with a
15-character last name despite my abhorrence at the site of it? And there is also the option of keeping my maiden name as a second middle name (I'm too attached to my middle name to let that go either).
So people of the blogosphere, let me hear your stories and
insights. It probably won’t persuade me one way or the other, but hearing your
stories gives me strength in my struggle. It makes me realize that I am not
alone, that I am not the only person who can’t reconcile my desires and make a
decision. And then you give me hope that I can make a decision one way or
another.
I love this blog so much already. My name change was a struggle for me too, but in the end, what it came down to was what I was willing to sacrifice for my husband. That sound dumb because in my eyes (and his) we are equal, but he left his entire family and country to marry me, as well as educational pursuits in his own country. That's a lot. He sacrificed much more than I did coming into the marriage. So for me, the battle over the last name came down to "Well, look what he has done for me. Can't I do this for him?" (There was also the immigration issue, but I won't get into that.) He also chose the temple we were married in, which I've noticed that most girls choose the temple they are married in. For me, I was choosing the relationship over the name, but now that we've been married for two years, my husband goes "I'm so mad at myself for not letting you keep your last name." And maybe I'll get around to adding it back in someday. I don't know. At this point, I've grown to love my new name and what it means, but then again, I still have that fondness for my old name.
ReplyDeleteAlso, just as a side note, I believe surnames are used to designate families in other countries outside of the U.S. in the church. In Mexico, for example, women don't take their husband's name when they get married (their kids get the mom and dad's last names and have two last names.) However, when they go to church, they are known by their husband's last name. I thought that was interesting.
Kobie - it took me two years to change my last name legally and when I finally went to do it, I was excited but also a little sad! I am proud of my O'Dell-ness! I have thought of giving one of my kids my maiden name as a middle name someday. I love having the same last name as my hub and I feel more united w/ him in that sense...like we are an eternal unit. BUT I always will know where I came from and am still going to carry on my family name through my actions and the way I choose to live :)
ReplyDeleteMy good friend Karin wrote this on my facebook page in response to my post about this blog article, and I think it's a great comment so I thought I'd share it here:
ReplyDelete"It's a beautifully written dilemma. One I also had. Mike felt very strongly about changing my name to his. I felt very strongly about keeping mine -- but not as strongly as he did.
That's the basis we use for deciding things in our marriage -- it's not about changing your mind or your spouse's mind sometimes. Sometimes it's just about giving in because to the other it's simply more important.
So on this decision, I kept my maiden name as my second middle name. And my kids share it as their second middle name as well."
When I started dating my husband, I thought my name would be too weird if I married him because his last name rhymed with my middle name and made me sound Chinese. We married, though, and I changed it. I have to allow people to laugh a little every time before I am set apart in a calling, and it makes me smile, too. It wasn't a real dilemma for me to change my name, but I can see why it would be for you, Kobie. If I were to keep my maiden name, I would keep it as a second middle name. I agree that the hyphen name might be way too long for me. Of course, you can do whatever you choose. That's just my opinion. :-)
ReplyDeleteThank you everyone for your input! It's great to know that there are other people that share my experiences. So between writing this article and posting it I actually had made a decision, but I think the dilemma is still one that should be more fully explored. I have chosen to keep my maiden name as a second middle name. I see it as simply adding to my identity. I don't feel like anything was erased or taken away from me when I was married, so why should my name be? I have only felt that I have gained so much by our union. I have a much more extended family, a new heritage and culture that I am a part of, and I want my name to reflect that. So here's to four names. My dad said it makes me sound like a royal--added bonus!
ReplyDeleteKobie,
ReplyDeleteI really liked this post! And I'm glad you made the decision to keep it as a second middle name. It's such a strange thought to leave behind our old names. I just want to suggest (like someone else above did I think) that you use your last name when you name one of your kids someday! My middle name is my mom's maiden name, and I've always liked that because it's so different and not something other kids had. I think yours would be a good first name for a boy even! Very dignified :)
I can relate to this so much. Two years after my wedding, I still have not changed my name. This has resulted in several irritating or humorous situations--having to renew my temple recommend twice because (surprise!) the LDS church automatically changed your last name upon marriage, treating my maiden name as my middle name on some school papers and not on others, etc. At first my husband was deeply surprised I'd want to keep my name. Once we talked through what that did and didn't mean (e.g., "I love being married to you, I'm shockingly not anti men or I wouldn't be heterosexual, I value my familial roots, I see great symbolic value in names"), he came to see that this issue of naming didn't mean everything he thought it meant (largely through the straw feminism of pop culture). Now he laughs that I'm still waffling and encourages me to just leave it as is. For pure symbolism I'd like to combine, and think it would be cool if husbands did two, for marriage is not a takeover but a merger. However, for the time being I've given up on pushing this at church; it's simply not worth it to me to be pigeonholed as one of "those women," at least not when I'm relatively young as an adult member. I will say, however, that in certain temple ceremonies, giving both last names was an incredibly (surprisingly) moving, spiritual experience. I think names are important, and they deserve the thought and intention that so many of these comments reveal. I think it's important to respect each individual's choice.
ReplyDeleteI kept my maiden name as a second middle name, not wanting to give up either. I married when I was 26 years old, and I was/am proud of my family and didn't want to abandon that. Also, I was given my Great-Grandmother's name for my middle name, as I was born on her birthday. I signed the whole thing for years, on every document and check. I have been married for almost 20 years now and as I have felt more comfortable in my "married skin" :) I have slowly transitioned to just my first and married name as my signature. As you have children, you will find cool ways to incorporate your names into theirs. My two daughters have the same middle name as mine.
ReplyDeleteI like your final decision, Kobie. I like that you see it as adding to your identity. I also think it is a little ridiculous that some people feel any sort of obligation to "make this sacrifice" of the name change to their husbands. Why should it matter so much to them that you take their name? Why shouldn't it be the other way around? Does he add your last name to his identity? No. That's not even a thing.
ReplyDelete